from a to zilch

in one minute a million thoughts are jostling against each other for prime head space because they want to be the first to be written down and in the next, it seems that the entire alphabet crew decides to just disappear. 

this is what writing does to me. this is what happens when writing happens.

a lot of times i find myself wanting to write so many things - questions, opinions, justifications, revelations, accusations - but when it comes down to actually doing it, i somehow lose it. all of it. gone. from my head. and when i do try to put them down in writing i get disjointed, confusing and (even worse, sometimes) confusing paragraphs. just like this.

they say you should just keep on writing. and write down all of it. ignore the grammar and spelling. not to worry if it doesn't make sense. when you're done that's when you re-read the whole thing for changes, corrections or errors. i find that that friendly piece of advice screws me every single time. i end up hating what i've written, questioning whether i have any right to even express myself, then inevitably deleting it.

so why do i still try?

because words are both a place of solace and chance to fly. sometimes reality and other times fantasy. 

and just like that, the alphabet crew is gone. fuck.        

ICA nga.

Assumption, Miriam, Poveda, St. Paul. These are the answers you're likely to get if you ask "Name a girl's school nga?" Unless you're Chinese. Immaculate Conception Academy (ICA)  Greenhills is the only all girls Chinese school in Metro Manila and the only answer you'll get. Seriously. And for most Chinese parents who are protective of their precious china dolls, ICA is the only choice.

As an ICAn myself, I've heard a lot of opinions and stories about us - mostly bad. So, to clear misconceptions and admit truths, let me talk about ICA and ICAns.

1. You have to be Chinese to enter ICA. False. If I'm not mistaken one of the questions asked in the application form is if Chinese is spoken in the family. You can answer no and your child can still get in. Chinese is in the curriculum so if you're not Chinese it may be difficult but not entirely impossible. I used to have Filipino classmates who did better in Chinese than me. They studied hard and hired tutors to help them out after class. On average, the school population is still 95% Chinese.

2. It's an expensive school. Not really. It's competitively priced, around 90k. Xavier, La Salle Greenhills and Poveda charge around 100k to 120k.

3. ICAns are sheltered. True. There are two parts to this fact.

Part 1: ICAns are mostly products of Chinese parents who have either worked their ass off to become rich or inherited a thriving business. The saying "I want to give my children everything I didn't have" is so true for most ICA parents of my generation. On the other hand, the new generation of ICA parents say "My kids should have everything I've had and more." Some people perceive this negatively, but honestly, regardless of whether you're Filipino or Chinese, as parents don't we always say "We want what's best for our children."

Part 2: The Chinese are a protective, collective, and culturally knitted bunch. As much as possible they like to stick together which means they like their children to stick with other Chinese kids as well. But it doesn't mean they won't befriend a Filipino classmate.

4. ICAns are spoiled, bratty, flirty, snooty bitches. Not entirely true. There are some but not all. Besides, all schools have them.

5. ICAns are less intelligent compared to their Binondo counterparts. Not true. There are a lot of ICAns who graduated with honors in colleges/universities both here and abroad.

6. ICA doesn't have a good Chinese curriculum compared to the Binondo/Manila based Chinese schools. True. Your daughter will have more Chinese classes if she's enrolled in either St. Jude, Hope Christian, St. Stephen, or Sakya. In ICA, when you're in Grade School, you have two Chinese subjects - Chinese Reading and Chinese Language - each lasting about 50mins. In High School, it's just one 50 minute Chinese class daily.

ICA doesn't mind not being a "popular" school - it actually thrives in its relative anonymity - and ignores the nasty labels given by those who don't really know what goes on inside its hollowed walls.  Having been a student of ICA I know that its spirit will be with me till I die, blue and white banners raised high.

     

Fifty Shades Trilogy

It's being talked about. It's on the New York Times Best Seller's List.  People who've read it said the book was all about sex. My 20 year-old son, who is generally not a fan of fiction books, is reading it. The last two sentences combined killed the mother cat in me.

Fifty Shades of Grey. Fifty Shades Darker. Fifty Shades Freed.  I agree with the reviews I have read that the writing sucks but that, for some strange compelling reason, it makes you want to finish all three.  The constant one word sentences get irritating after a while (You. Are. Mine.).  But honestly, after the first book, you know why you'd want to read the second, and then the third.   

Spoiler alert!

Parental Guidance is highly recommended, if not required. Especially if your child - who can easily purchase this book and will most likely overlook or worse, ignore, the teeny tiny warning label at the back - is a minor.  Fifty Shades is not Mills & Boon or Harlequin Romance.  Sure it's romantic on a certain level (ordinary girl meets young, hot and handsome, filthy rich and successful self-made millionaire who sweeps her off her feet) and psychological on another (nature vs nurture) but on so many more levels, for about 60 percent on the first book, 85 percent on the second and 40 percent on the third, it's sexual - the kind of sexual introduction you, as a parent, would not want your kid to either be fantasizing about, think is normal, or demand a sexual partner to be.  It's BDSM.  Definitely not Sex 101 for your baby girl.

However, an older but still-under-my-roof-I-am-paying-for-your-tuition child would require a different approach.  I know for a fact that my 20 year-old son and his equally aged girlfriend have played hooky but are very much aware that there is a line they cannot cross (which, thankfully, they both agree on) until after they graduate from college.  Since I knew he was reading Fifty Shades as well, I jokingly asked if he actually knew the terms and types of sexual activity mentioned in the book and then gently reminded him to be responsible.  The protective mother in me wanted to say more while screaming "Don't you dare ever engage in BDSM!!!!"  but the respecting mother in me reminded me that my son is smart so I left it at that.   

Raging hormones are definitely difficult to control and the presence of a partner whom one can express and explore one's first sexual desires, fantasies and limitations with can be exciting or exasperating, daunting or dangerous, and numerous more adjectives I would rather not say.  Ultimately, first sexual experiences, wanted or not, affects future sexual expectations.  When each of my children turned fifteen, I took the time to talk to them about sex. With that in mind, I can only hope and pray that my children's first sexual experience with whomever they choose comes from a place of honest intent, a respect for each other's body and equality, an understanding that sex is not just a pleasurable activity but a responsibility as well, and love not just lust.  

Sexually active professional adults, on the other hand, could actually learn something from this book.  Ana Steele and Christian Grey (how could the irony be lost in this?), removed from the sexual content, are both very hard-headed yet they somehow remind us that a lot of issues - real or imagined - can be ironed out if only we take the time to communicate, learn how to compromise, and reciprocate and appreciate our partners.  As a soft porn book (yes, it is!),  it reminds us that sex is more than just an obligation required or given.  While I personally will NEVER engage in any sexual activity involving butt plugs, nipple clamps, whips, spreader bars and the like (yes, they are used in this book!), I am aware that there is a need to constantly excite and discover my partner.                          

On the back cover of this book, lower left corner, white print on black background, a small text  says: Erotic Romance. Mature Audience.  Definitely no shades of gray there.       

                      

        
   

       

just need to write...

i just need to write...

... i wish P-Noy would stop complaining about why the media doesn't report all the good stuff he's done. sorry, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. you can't be the golden boy forever. bet he didn't think about that when he was busy using the media to blast PGMA's government. now the shoe is on the other foot

... manny paquiao shouldn't have deleted his twitter account. he should've just ignored posts which offended him. again, you can't please everybody. and seriously, we've all known pacman doesn't speak english fluently so why shoot him for it. the important thing is that he's brought pride to this country

... facebook posts. ahhh... so much to say, not enough space. moving on

... korean dramas. so addicted to it!! it's fast paced, no over-the-edge hysterics, shows cultural pride. now if only we could do the same

... pilipinas kay ganda was just awful. thank god they scrapped it

i'll be back...

my new president

benigno simeon "noynoy" c. aquino is the new president of the republic of the philippines. he's my new president. to be honest, i didn't want him to win but as a good soldier, i will follow my new boss, my new president.

why didn't i want to him to win? let's see...

1. the guy didn't want to run in the first place. his mother, the venerable former president corazon "cory" c. aquino, died which resurrected the yellow army who, in turn, convinced noynoy that he was the best person to continue his mother's crusade against corruption in government. i think it was a case of noynoy auspiciously being at the right place at the right time

2. i think he's just being used. three presidents after his mother, most of cory's people were practically in, what i would call, the abyss of lost & forgotten politicians. this would now, again, be their chance to return & regain power. i mean seriously, after three presidents, their resources must be depleted so there is an urgent need to replenish. there's also no denying the fact that power is addictive. when you've had a taste of bodyguards, unlimited expense accounts, complimentary domestic and international travels, media exposure, and a chance to put relatives, friends, even your househelp in government payroll, it's kinda hard to return to a life of being just an ordinary juan or maria..

3. he's running for president, not his parents. i hate it when kids use their parents to advance what they believe is their right as well. nope. our parents have what they have because they worked their ass off for it. adults should work and not rely on their parents. from what i heard, noynoy has not passed a single bill since he was elected congressman then senator. in this campaign he kept saying "my mother did this, my father did that" but what i need to hear and what he hasn't said is what he has done. i certainly hope he is aware that people will, for the next six years, judge him for the way he runs the country. he can't hide behind the shadow of his parents and his advisers all the time. this unico hijo is going to have to stand up, have the balls to personally deal with whatever shit is thrown his way, and realize that "cory magic" is about cory; he's just going to have to create his own magic someway, somehow.

4. it's all motherhood statements no actual platform of government. yes, we all want corruption to end but how does he plan to end it? corruption is not just about bloated government contracts or under the table transactions. corruption extends to all sorts of abuse of government funds and resources by people in and out of government. even during his mother's term, there was corruption. everyone just turned a blind eye because we were all too happy that the dictator & his family had fled, thanks to our people power. will noynoy hold himself accountable if any of his appointees become involved in a corruption scandal during his term? will he ensure that they are held to an even higher standard now more than ever? if he makes mistakes - being human we are bound to commit them sooner or later no matter the circumstance - will he be humble enough to apologize?

5. a president is a statesman. i was so surprised that, after returning from a spiritual retreat and having spiritual advisers left and right, noynoy started bashing other presidentiables. the term mudslinging? the guy had a slingshot the size of mayon volcano hurling mud like nobody's business. i had expected a cleaner, more decent fight from him. the odds were in his favor to begin with. his peeps should be doing the trash talk, not him.

6. kris aquino could be a problem. noynoy's baby sister loves to air her dirty laundry in public. she can't keep her mouth shut about anything. noynoy has never and i doubt will ever be able to keep his sister from creating craters of problems. heck, even their own mother could not stop kris. all cory could say was "i love you, kris" every after each "krisaster" (kris disaster) which kris would expectedly turn to her favor, short of saying "see.. my mother, the former president, loves me so all of you should love me too, hahaha!"

however.. after having said that.. i still believe that noynoy's intentions are truly good; hopefully, the execution will be even better. i hope he surrounds himself with people who will make his programs work, keep his name and reputation clean, tell him every single sordid truth about the state of the nation, and give him sound and unbiased advice. i wish him the best of luck for the next six years. in the meantime, arroyo is still president until noon of 30 june 2010 so he should hold all his presidential horses until then.

gaddammit!

a few years back i wrote about how i was faced with protests against my appointment.  i am once again being promoted, now at the verge of my appointment being signed, and once again, i am faced with a protester. gaddammit! 

i have been acting as the office chief for over 2 years. i have instituted reforms that have made our service faster and more efficient, and i have found a way to make the staff actually get along with one another (no more fist fights here!). and i am sooooo not tooting my own horn.  today our office is one of the most improved, if not THE most improved office in our organization. other people have seen it, other people know it, and other people are so fucking impressed by it.

gaddammit!

six months after being appointed as acting chief i knew that i had to take my Masters degree if i wanted to become THE CHIEF. and so i did. i have finished all the academic requirements and now doing my thesis.  last december i was told by Human Resources that the vacant position had to be filled up and my exam/interview was scheduled for the next week.  the nasty rat race begins.

gaddammit!

everyone knew A wanted the position even though he comes from a different office.  he was turning to the big bosses to get a recommendation.  little birds told me that some bosses told him not to apply for it because i was next in rank and i had actually done the office good.  some even told A he wouldn't stand a chance against me. others encouraged him. well... he didn't need to hear any of it because he was dead set on running the race anyway. 

gaddammit!

after the interview, the trusted little birds once again came to me and told me what they heard.  during A's interview he was asked "Knowing what the acting chief has done to improve the office, what will YOU do to surpass what she has done?" his answer "I am a Ll.B. (law graduate)" One of the interviewers asked the question again. he replied "I finished law and she didn't." at that point interviewer 1 told him that he wasn't answering the question and besides, the position did not require a law degree at all since it was administrative in nature.  he challenged interviewer 1 and said that he knows it's a requirement for the position.  interviewer 1 apparently got pissed and sarcastically told him that since it's their job to interview, score and rank, they know the requirements better than he does and they're sure that a law degree was not required.  ooooooohhhhh....... A wasn't happy with that so he didn't bother to answer the question at all.  interviewer 2 told the little birds that A wasn't even able to fully describe what the office does while interviewer 3 told them that A said i had lied in my resume because i wasn't even taking my Masters degree at all. when it was my turn to be interviewed, the interviewers asked if it was true that i was not actually enrolled in a Masters degree program.  i told them that i was, that i was merely finishing my thesis and that i could secure a certification from the school to prove it. 

gaddammit!

during the first week of february i was told that i had ranked first and that the big bosses has approved my appointment. next step, they actually sign the appointment.  i guess A found out too coz sure enough next thing i heard from the little birds, A was going to file a protest.  okaaaaayyyyyy! so i submitted the certification. hah!  

gaddammit!

just this morning, the little birds came by bearing news.  A started asking around and verifying(?) the rumor that i had gotten my first appointment anomalously.  An insider told him that it wasn't true, i had met all the qualifications for the first position and that there was nothing anomalous about the appointment.  

gaddammit!

i have been working my ass off.  i have made this office better. i believe i've earned the promotion.  seriously! what has he done?  even his own officemates have told the little birdies that all he does is play computer games all day, he's unreliable, he has not conributed to the betterment of the office, they know he wants to apply for this particular promotion because he doesn't stand a chance in their office, and he thinks it's an easy job because everything's already laid out.  

gaddammit!

I LAID IT OUT, YOU FRIGGIN ASSHOLE! AND I DIDN'T DO IT FOR YOU, FUCKING SHITHEAD!!! I DID IT WHICH MEANS I CAN JUST AS EASILY UNDO IT!!!!! I KEPT COOL DURING THE LAST PROTEST BUT THIS TIME I WON'T!  AND FYI, THE STAFF HAS ALREADY SAID THAT IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE CHIEF, THEY'RE GOING TO BOYCOTT YOU BECAUSE THEY KNOW YOU WON'T DO A THING FOR THIS OFFICE, DUMBNUTS!!!!! 

GADDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, now back to work.

morning shit and a song

i had just entered my office.  i knew right away, the moment i saw him, that i would have a headache coming on and fast.

i really have no problems allowing his mom, who is a member of my staff, to extend her request for detail to the province due to health reasons except that i had this nagging feeling. as a human being, i felt i had to give in because she was the only one supporting her lazy ass kids and grandkids.  as a manager, i knew it was wrong because she would get her salary and other benefits without working for five more years.   it would be kind'a like an early pension for her without having to retire from the service. 

but the scales tipped on the side of manager when the son bragged about his mom not reporting for work at all because the local officer at her place of detail was their relative.  the son went on further to say that if i refuse to grant the extension, he would bring the matter up directly to the big bosses of the agency and could secure an approval from there. 

in general, the agency is already lenient.  as a boss, i extend that "benefit and understanding" a little bit more.  it's just disheartening when you know that some employees overly abuse that privilege and, even worse, they believe that they have every right to do so whenever they want.  

you give an inch, they want a mile..... and more.

***

less than an hour after that, i got a call from our security personnel informing me that some people were taking out documents without the proper permit.  i immediately sent one of the staff to check the documents in question.  

soon after, i received a call from someone in the office who wanted to remove the documents from the premises.  she said that there shouldn't be a problem becuase they've been doing the same thing for years and that they already received the go-ahead from my boss.  as i was trying to explain what was wrong with what they did, she kept on cutting me off.  i got so pissed that i raised my voice and told her to please shut up and to listen to me while i explain to her what was wrong.  after explaining it to her, i told her that i would talk to my boss and her boss about it.

after explaining the situation to her boss and mine, i am glad to say that i was able to defend my position and that my recommendation, after careful consideration of everyone's concerns, was followed.

their office has always been a problem for me.  they always seem to be conveniently "forgetting" certain office rules.  truth be told, i really don't care what they do but if i can forsee that it's going to be my neck on the line, my credibility as a manager questioned and  my integrity as a public servant compromised, then i would rather care about it than have a  major headache later on if i turn a blind eye now.

i am just doing my job, thank you very much. 

so if you don't like it (or you really just don't like me) then that's your problem.

***

and the day isn't over yet....

*** 

i saw charice's duet with celine dion at the latter's concert in Madison Square Garden on You Tube.  charice was great! i had hoped though, that she didn't sing it as fast as she did.  the philippines has so many talented singers and it's time they get noticed. i hope charice becomes an even bigger star.  she deserves it for all her hard work.  

to charice: stay focused, improve your talent, keep a good head on your shoulders, stay away from leeches and most importantly, continue to MAKE YOUR MOMMA PROUD. you go girl!