from a to zilch

in one minute a million thoughts are jostling against each other for prime head space because they want to be the first to be written down and in the next, it seems that the entire alphabet crew decides to just disappear. 

this is what writing does to me. this is what happens when writing happens.

a lot of times i find myself wanting to write so many things - questions, opinions, justifications, revelations, accusations - but when it comes down to actually doing it, i somehow lose it. all of it. gone. from my head. and when i do try to put them down in writing i get disjointed, confusing and (even worse, sometimes) confusing paragraphs. just like this.

they say you should just keep on writing. and write down all of it. ignore the grammar and spelling. not to worry if it doesn't make sense. when you're done that's when you re-read the whole thing for changes, corrections or errors. i find that that friendly piece of advice screws me every single time. i end up hating what i've written, questioning whether i have any right to even express myself, then inevitably deleting it.

so why do i still try?

because words are both a place of solace and chance to fly. sometimes reality and other times fantasy. 

and just like that, the alphabet crew is gone. fuck.